An August Challenge: Be Beautiful

So, I feel I need to start with an apology. I'm a horrible blogger. To be fair, I knew this about myself. I have commitment issues when it comes to non-academic, non-deadline writing. Quite frankly, I'd usually rather be knitting. Or reading. Or cooking. Or just not writing. But despite my self-proclaimed issues with blogging, I feel compelled to make a go of it (despite a two month hiatus).

So here I am on the far end of summer, and ruminating on what has happened in the last few months and what is looming in the not-so-distant future (Coming soon: The Return of the Grad School Menace).  While I hope in the days to come to give an update on the goings of the summer and what's to come as I start my doctoral studies in the fall, today's post is about something else entirely. As the title suggests, it's a bit of a challenge.

Lately (read: this summer), I've been feeling a little less than stellar about myself, particularly physically. It's not necessarily always about weight (though I will be the first to admit I'm not going to be on the cover of Vogue any time this century), but rather a more general discontent with my appearance on a scarily regular basis. One day I'm convinced my clothes make me look like a blind, frumpy, school teacher. The next, my hair makes me look like a boy. A week from that I'm bloated and resemble photographs of beached whales. My makeup feels wrong. I see scars where I used to see skin. I just generally have been feeling unimpressive and sometimes downright ugly.

It came to a head in particular this past weekend when I spent a weekend trying to find pantyhose in mall department stores (none had one large enough that wasn't "tummy control and shape enhancing") to wear with a dress I had to get in a plus size so the bust would fit. I spent evenings and many meals with people who were obsessed with talking about foods they couldn't/wouldn't eat because of carbs/calories/macros*/fat/sugars that would be damaging to their perfectly healthy, thin, fit bodies and all of the different trendy exercises they do daily at the gym while I ate my food and tried to ignore the number of mysteriously evil, fat inducing things it contained. I felt like a cow. It was awful.

Now while this post is not meant to be a pity party, that weekend was shaping up to be one. I was feeling pretty self-loathing about my appearance and then feeling self-loathing about obsessing so much about my physical appearance. So today, I'm putting my foot down. Enough is enough. I'm am a self-declared feminist who prides herself on knowing that self-worth has nothing to do with size, weight, clothing, makeup, etc. I address emails and text messages to most of my friends "Hey Beautiful" and end conversations with "See you Gorgeous" believing women don't ever hear enough how valuable and truly lovely they are without such compliments being attached to specific physical attributes. But when it comes to myself I am a shameless hypocrite.

So I'm taking on a challenge. For the month of August, I'm going to Instagram a picture a day that makes me feel beautiful. Shameless selfies. Accomplishments. Small moments. Anything that reminds me that I am a beautiful person, even if I fail to see it sometimes. It isn't about being self-centered or vain. It's about accepting that beauty does not have to be limited to a single viewpoint. Beauty is self-defined. And I can be beautiful.

I invite you to take up the challenge as well. Every day for the month of August, I invite you to post a picture of your beauty (a selfie, an object, a location, an event; if you can justify it, you can post it). With the hashtag #bebeautiful and let's choose to define beauty under our own terms. Who's with me?
_____________

*Don't ask me what they are. I just know they apparently cause you to get fat. Apparently so does everything else.

Back from the Brink of Insanity

As promised, I am back from the academic madness that is finals week, and, as promised, I have a Master's degree to show for it! I graduated from my program last Sunday with a Master's degree in English and American literature and some pretty epic dark circles. The ceremony itself was pretty typical for college graduations, LONG. The "academic apparel" was stereotypically tacky and polyester. The whole shindig was fairly expected. But I can't help but admit that I was proud of it. I did it. It has been a rough two years. But I did it. I now get to write a fancy M.A. at the end of my name. I could leave academia and get a cushy adjunct job (ahem). I am a respected graduate.....But seriously, it was pretty cool to know that I managed to pull it off. I had my moment of basking in the moment, and now it's back to the real world.

Next fall I'm starting my PhD, but in the meantime, I'm spending this summer working full time selling comfort shoes and doing absolutely unacademic things. This means knitting, reading, baking, spinning, watching movies, sleeping, and generally having a normal 9-5 job. It's going to be glorious. I love academia. I love what I do. But sometimes a break is nice. So lately, I have been knitting up a storm and making some progress in a new novel.

The knitting is mainly socks. I'm feeling small projects lately since I had to rip out my Bubbly Personality Cardigan since it was 4 inches too big. Socks it is then. At least the ripping out for mistakes it far less depressing. The latest pair has been endearingly termed Atomic Watermelon Socks thanks to the amazingly bright colorway. I'm in love. The pooling is crazy, but these socks are so vibrant they practically glow in the dark. They're about 3/4 of the way finished, and I'm already plotting to buy more from this dyer.

As for the novel, I'm reviving my niche interest in Jewish literature with Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, a novel set in the golden age of comic books with fantastic development, depth, and interest. I'm hooked. It's not dumbed down, so I still feel like I'm engaged for more than entertainment, but I generally find it fun to read. It's a nice change from Ulysses that was certainly more work than play. Overall, it's shaping up to be a good read and a pretty great summer.

Who doesn't love a baby sweater?

Just popping in to show a picture of the baby sweater I just finished:

 

Seriously, how CUTE is that? The pattern is the Little Coffee Bean Cardigan. I knit it up in KP Brava Worsted leftovers from the sweaters I knit for my parents. It's set to be shipped out this week and the baby is due in 6 weeks.

Missing In Action

Sorry I've been a bit absent of late. When I started this blog, too well aware of my own commitment issues, I vowed to write once a week. Then last week happened. And this week. And, well, the blog didn't. But I'm back now and have decided to give a sort of random overview of life, excitement, goings on, etc. So I give you a random list of occurrences:

1.  In knitting news, my sister's mitts are done and she loves them (and the length). They ended up being almost to the elbow, super squishy, and totally two different shades of blue/black. I also finished by husband's escalator socks, which he loves. Still not sure how I feel about the KP Stroll Tweed. It seems a bit "floppy" for a sock yarn. But it is very soft and he likes them (though mentioned that the can only wear them once before washing because they stretch out more than his other socks). I also am working more on my Bubbly Personality Cardigan (no pictures, as it is still just a really long strip of stockinette right now). I'm about a quarter finished with some plain stockinette socks in Felici (sadly discontinued; get it while you can), and have finished a baby sweater for a friend (pictures to follow). Moral of the story, I have been a knitting machine. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have tons of school stuff to do that I am avoiding. 

Stuck Pot Rice with Yogurt and Lemon

2.  In cooking news (because knitting isn't quite enough avoidance on its own), I've made two great recipes that you should take a look at. The first is Rustic Tortellini Soup, which is amazing and warm and wonderful. I add more liquid to it so that it is a bit more soup and a bit less stew, but it is one of my go-to recipes. I also made the smitten kitchen's Stuck Pot Rice with Lentils. LOVED it. I think I will add more onions next time (personal preference), but it has been my meal for the last two days. Total win.

3.  I find it odd that now that Lent is over and I no longer have to limit my meat intake, I start cooking vegetarian. Ironic?

4.  Easter with family is great, but not productive. I spent two days with my family eating, playing cards, laughing, eating, cooking, eating, dying eggs, eating. My sister, husband, and I had our annual Easter Egg Show-Off competition (I think I won). I lost miserably at cards. And I got absolutely no reading or grading done. Worth it? Absolutely.

5.  The research, writing, reading, etc. that didn't get done is still waiting for me, and will likely make the blog late this coming week too. I have two big papers due in the next week and am in intensive research mode (as I take time to sit down and blog instead of reading). Joyce is occupying my life. Daniel Defoe haunts my dreams. I will soon be moving into the library and establishing squatter's rights.

6.  I do not foresee more time coming my way in the near future. This is disheartening.

In the mean time, I'm going to try to squeeze a blog post in when I can in the next few weeks, but if I start fading, bear with me. I will resurface after graduation (Master's degree in hand) and resume our normally scheduled program. 

Knitting and Other Weird Things People Do In Public

I am a knitter. This means that I basically want to spend every free moment playing with sticks and string. It means I treat waiting rooms, long lines, and delays as opportunities rather than annoyances. It means I am magic and can create wonder and wooly goodness using the bare minimum of raw materials. To me, knitting is practically a super power. It defeats boredom, it creates wonder and amazement, and it is generative in ways so many other hobbies are not. Knitting is bad ass.

With all of the awesomeness, however, being a knitter also makes me weird, unabashed, and old-fashioned. Especially because I frequently knit in public. The hype surrounding knitting in public has always seemed odd to me, and for the most part I have ignored it all and knit anyway. Daily life is full of knitting opportunities--queues, waiting rooms, coffee shops, car rides. It never occurred to me that it would be weird for me to try to use my time productively. Even as a new knitter I was willing and enthusiastic about whipping out my work at every opportunity.

Despite my own willingness to bring my knitting out in public and my confidence (read: obliviousness) while doing so, I have still incurred some strange looks and comments. Apparently knitting in public is strange. People aren't supposed to do it. A part of me is okay with that. Generally I accept that I'm going to be weird and I'm going to knit. But recently, I had a colleague ridicule me for knitting during a conference presentation and it got me thinking; people do far stranger things in public. Things that are far more intrusive, offensive, distracting, etc. For example...

• Making phone calls. It just fosters some weird kind of voyeurism and no one really wants to hear all about your personal business.
• Taking selfies. Just plain awkward.
• Changing babies diapers. Public exposure. Fecal matter. How is this not something people think twice about?
• Breastfeeding. Not remotely meant as an insult. I have absolutely no problem with public breastfeeding. But it is certainly more distracting than knitting.
• Mouthing lyrics to an iPod. Just makes you look crazy. That music you're enthralled with? No one else can hear it.
• Making out. Again with the voyeurism. And the swapping of bodily fluids. And the grossness.

Me working on my husband's Elevator Sock at school.

So really, in the end, I don't think knitting is that weird. It's virtually silent. It doesn't take up space. It doesn't require me to expose myself or invade on anyone's public space. It doesn't make me unapproachable or self-absorbed (at least not if the number of people who approach me when I'm knitting means anything). Quite frankly it is one of the more normal things that a person can do in public. So I knit in public and slowly the people I see everyday have stopped staring. My knitting, at least, is starting to normalize. I have just become that one weird instructor who knits in the coffee shop in the mornings. Personally, I see this new apathy as progress.

If you are interested in helping to normalize knitting (and maybe gain some converts), I recommend you take part of World Wide Knit in Public Day. It's awesome, it's widespread, and it is a great way to meet other knitters who aren't afraid of being "weird" if it means they get to play with sticks and string whenever they want.

A Bad Case of the Mondays

So I wrote an entire blog post and then accidentally deleted it instead of posting it. Because that is the level of brain engagement I am currently functioning at. This last weekend/morning have been a little strange. I've been feeling a bit off. Not necessarily bad. Just not quite right. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that everything right now seems in flux, and like it isn't supposed to be. People keep asking me how school is going, and I keep replying in the same way. "Great! Everything is going great!" (cue overly enthusiastic thumbs up and smile). And it's true. If you were to objectively look at it, things are going pretty great.

I'm about to finish my Master's. I got accepted to a good PhD program for the fall with funding. I like both of my classes and professors this semester. I have research topics and a plan for the research on my final papers. I am, for the most part, caught up on my teaching. Everything seems to be going well. I can't complain.

The only problem is, none of it is finished. It's a lot of in-progress kind of stuff. The Master's degree, while virtually a given at this point (I would have to go brain dead to not pass this semester) is still a month away. I have stuff to do before then in order to earn the degree. The PhD program is another to-do list of things that need to get completed. Exciting, lovely things that I am looking forward to, but really the acceptance letter is  as much another task as it is an accomplishment. And as for this semester, everything is in the progress stage. I have topics. Great. Lovely. That has yet to translate into "I have a draft." That needs to happen. Soon. The problem is not so much that I'm not being productive. Stuff is getting done. It is more that all of the projects are long-term things. They take time. So while everything is "great" everything is also "unfinished." And that can get a bit frustrating as the days continue to fly by.

Knit All the Things

So I'm currently in the throws of a mini-flare of my Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was diagnosed with RA when I was 15, and for the most part I'm fine and fully functioning. But every once and a while it rears its ugly head and I'm left puffy and sore with limited mobility and pain that makes me crave morphine. That's where I am now. I've spent the last few nights lying in bed, unable to go to sleep, contemplating how valuable my legs are really. Couldn't I just saw them off? Wouldn't that be better? Unfortunately, my husband insists that legs are important, so I've been finding other methods of coping with the pain.

My main coping strategy? Knitting EVERYTHING. I am craving wool and needles like they are a life-saving drug. I dream about socks and sweaters. I fantasize about new yarn. I try to sneak my projects into conversation and have been thinking if there are ways I can work and knit at the same time (so far, that's a no). It's become an obsession, but it's helping me not to focus on the pain in my joints and instead focus on something productive, soft, fluffy, and beautiful. It's a great distraction and a much cheaper pain killer than most.

Right now the focus of my knitting energy is a pair of socks and some mitts for my sister. The socks are a pattern of my own (improvised broken rib) with a sock heel I helped to test knit back when I was still in college. I just finished the heels last night and I really loved the method. I will say, I think I need to have my husband re-trace my foot. The method asks you to try your socks on over a cardboard cut-out foot and knit till a mark that indicates your heel hinge. I did that. But these are a smidge on the long side. I also think I would decrease the depth of the heel (a little more than 1/3 of the heel stitches left unworked), but that is definitely a personal fit problem. Overall, if you're a knitter, I recommend the Fish Lips Kiss Heel pattern. Be aware that it is densely written (one of the less clear patterns I've used), but the method is easy to memorize and works really well. It's worth wading through the text. As for my own socks, I'm hoping to have them finished by the end of the week.

I'm also fervently working on some mitts for my sister in Dream in Color Classy in the colorway Peacock Shadow. For the most part they are going well. Relatively simple, big needles (for when the RA reaches my fingers), great stitch definition. The only problem I'm having is with the color. No, it's not the light. The right one is that much darker. It has a lot more of the black variegation in it than the left mitt. I'm knitting two-at-a-time from both ends of the ball and apparently one end is much darker than the other. I'm going to keep going. It doesn't bother me that much. And if it bothers my sister, I'll just keep them for myself! :)

And of course, even though I have two perfectly  satisfying and lovely patterns on the go with nice yarn and a good amount of detail, I'm still lusting after other projects. I have a sweater's worth of Knit Picks Wool of the Andes that is dying to be made into an Effervescence Cardigan (aren't those "bubbles" FANTASTIC!?), some Gloss fingering that wants to be a Traveling Woman Shawl. And some Stroll Tweed that is destined for some Escalator Socks for my husband. Can you tell I got some Knit Picks gift cards for Christmas?

Still despite this desire to knit all the things, I'm forcing myself to hold back until at least one of my other projects is finished. Right now I''m obsessed with all of these patterns. But I suspect this has a lot to do with my pain levels. When my hips and knees stop working, I want knitting to keep me busy. And I have to hope that this flare is on the downward slope. So I'm waiting on these dream knits for better days when they aren't motivated by Vicodin and inflammation. In the meantime, I'll be on the couch finishing some socks.